a squashed bug...

dear silver beetle,

you will not be missed. i'm sorry to say it because at one time i had high hopes for you. you were never that shiny, that cute, that good in the snow, that peppy, or that great overall...like we so hoped you would have been. i will not miss your weird sound you made when first turning the engine over in the morning. i will not miss your dents and sad scratches. i will not miss your dodgy tape deck that sometime worked and sometimes didn't. i will not miss having to stamp on the brakes to make you stop or because your clutch caught so high, the many times i pealed out, turning heads and embarrassing me. i will miss, however, your seat warmers. they were one of your few redeeming qualities. i will also miss your sunroof - though i never did figure out how to open it all the way. i never sat in your back seat - i don't think i missed much there though. i'm not sad to see you go. though i must say that it was strange this morning to not see your very uniquely shaped body outside the house.

please be kinder to your knew drivers than you were to us. i don't want to give you a complex - you weren't awful...just not great...and we want great. i'm sorry we took so long to let you know how we really felt about you. we should have dealt with this failed relationship long ago and i apologize for that. we've moved on and i hope you will too.

yours no more,

the beesons.

bee in your bonnet?

yesterday, i had the most horrific, traumatizing experience...


let me set the scene for you...


i am sitting on the stairs leading down to the "park" in our neighborhood holding eisley talking with some of our neighbors and watching our next door neighbor's little girl mia yell at lewy repeatedly to drop his ball for her to throw...'dwop it woowee dwop it dwop it dwop it dwop it!!!!" ( he did eventually 'dwop' it for her ) all is well, the sun is shining, there are even the proverbial birds singing! i decide to let eisley walk around in the grass...yes, she is walking...kind of, mostly, sporadically and only on her terms...all of a sudden i feel/hear a flutter-like something in my ear. i quickly wave my hand by my ear, but feel like the something has flown into my ear or something. i say aloud - "gross, i think a bug just flew in my ear!" i call shane over to look in there for evidence of the supposed bug intruder...he doesn't see anything(this time). i go about playing with the boo boo...then i hear the flutter again - this time definitely IN my ear. "shane, look in there now"...nothing... the neighbors advise me to get a q-tip and get the sucker out, but i'm too afraid to squish it in there or something...minutes go by...i can FEEL it in there now which is even worse than just hearing it!!!!!!!!! "SHANE, look now!" he rushes over and in only a way he could so delicately put it..."HOLY COW!" i of course freak the heck out! "what is it what is it what is it what is it what is it? he tells me to hold still, meanwhile everyone in the park, including the little girl mia, our dog lewy and his furry friend lister, are looking at me with concern.





*graphic content to follow be warned!*





OUT CRAWLS not flies a LONG BUG...let that just sink in for a moment...upon seeing shane it THEN IT CRAWLS BACK IN! 15 seconds later (the longest of my life), it reemerges and shane deftly brushes it off me. i feel like i have bugs alllllll over me (think indiana jones the temple of doom when the lady has to reach into the grimey hole and pull the level and there are creepy crawlies all over her) and i am on the verge of tears - my eyes welled up and i ask "what was that!!!" shane, again so delicately, "oh my god it was an EARWIG!" i nearly threw up right there on the spot! my neighbor denise (lister's mom) says "geez, shane you coulda lied to her!" yeah i really would have liked NOT knowing what exactly it was! you see, i have a history with earwigs......again let me set the scene


beautiful summer day, i am young - elementary school age - and i have just come in from playing outside for something to drink. my mom used to save and wash our straws from mcdonalds or wherever and kept them in the dish drainer next to the sink. i grabbed a straw put in my beverage and took a long drink - something foreign and solid is in my mouth. i spit it out and it was an earwig....so gross...i know check every straw i use - ALWAYS...just in case.


what is up with me and the earwigs???? i'm still pretty freaked out it layed eggs in my ear or something out of a horror movie is gonna happen to me....remember the Wrath of Khan - they killed a guy by putting a bug in his ear....remember Broke Down Palace - she almost died because a cockroach layed eggs in her ear! maybe it's just psychological, but i swear my ear feels different...grossssssssss


i hate bugs ( whimper whimper )

the boob tube

that's it!

i've had it!







i'm swearing off tv for a while...well, after LOST is finished, that is...i mean really, i can't miss those precious few episodes left!


Lately, i've realized just how much mind-numbing worthless tv i watch in a day. let's count shall we...

a. me and the boo boo watch either Lazytown ( crazy icelandic puppet and humans in weird costumes show ) or Go, Diego, Go every morning while we eat breakfast.

30 min.

b. if i am working, then no more tv that morning for me - just lots of internet surfing at work. but if i am at home with the boo boo, then we'll continue watching noggin or nick jr or playhouse disney with bunnytown, wonderpets ( again strange strange super hero pets who only save "baby" animals...weird), or even weirder Yo Gabba Gabba! ( which i secretly LOVE - even though dj lance has to be gay - i mean wow! ), and lastly the most normal of them all my friends tigger and pooh ( where did christopher robbin go and who is darby? )

1-1.5 hrs

c. baby goes down for morning nap, i turn the channel immediately to the either FLN, HGTV, or the food network and allow myself 1 show of home decorating or culinary know how. then i promptly get in the shower.

30 min.

d. baby wakes up, shane is home for lunch and we watch some mind numbing child show again - sometimes dora the explorer is on and it's too cute to pass up when eisley yells at the tv "dowa dowa dowa dowa dowa!!!!!!"

30 min.

e. bye bye hunny! me and the boo boo run and errand or two, go for a long bike ride and then she is down for yet another nap! i empty the dishwasher and then sit down for some "good " tv watching...i'm talking the real world, or america's next top model reruns, more cooking shows...whatever, as long as it is mindlessly entertaining

1-1.5 hrs

f. baby wakes up, shane is home from work. more bike riding or walking. cooking dinner. baby goes to bed we eat and watch MORE tv....we have dedicated tv watching to do: mondays: the hills, tuesdays: tila tequila 2 - i know it horrible, but it's like watching a car crash, you can't look away, wednesdays: america's next top model and the ultimate fighter, thursdays: the office, and lost, fridays: well there's nothing on on fridays but we still watch tv.

2-3hrs

let's add

on the high end ( when i am home all day) : 7.5 hrs!
on the low end ( when i am home all day): 5.5
on the low end ( when i am working): 3.5
on the high end ( when i am working): 5

OH MY GOD! that is disgusting - i am so grossed out! i will say this - i do house hold stuff while watching this, but not enough to justify any of it! ew ew ew ew ew...

we need to get a treadmill badly so i can at least run or do something fitness related while the baby naps!

anyone want to lay off the boob tube with me - after lost finishes in month or so?

do you ever want to do this?

do you ever want to write yourself a dear john letter? (what's with me and dear john letters these days?)

dear me,

don't take this personally or anything but i'm just over you! i no longer wish to continue this relationship. please return all my stuff to the enclosed address. i do not wish to have any more contact with you.

sincerely,
you.

yep, i'm over myself. i'm ready for a re-vamp or something...

happy birthday!

happy birthday betsy boo boo boo - i'm a day early but i always like my birthdays to last a good long time anyway! i miss you terribly!

why gnomes...

i seem to have left out from the beginning why i named my blog "helping garden gnomes." sadly i see that this makes me seem like a slight weirdo who actually believes that gnomes are real living things that need saving apparently. this is not the case i assure you! although i might change my mind if any more news reports surface about that gnome in argentina - just kidding!

the phrase "it's better to help people than garden gnomes" comes from the movie amelie (notice the gnome in the trailer). if you haven't seen this movie - do. i will warn you that there is some objectionable content (a sex scene near the beginning, one in the middle, and one of the characters works at a sex shop) but please don't let that deter you too much! this is a tale of a terribly shy secret-do-gooder who decides to help change the lives of those around her, while struggling with her own isolation. at a point in the film she removes a gnome statue from her father's garden and sends him on a trip around the world - this in turn makes her father realize that he too could get out and see the world. she finds that is better to help people than just garden gnomes. here is maybe my favorite scene from the movie. amelie has just accomplished successfully her first act of kindness and is ready for more. she knows of a blind man that sits in the subway playing music from a record player for money. she sees him on the street and becomes his eyes for a brief moment.



this is what i would like my life to be like, but unfortunately, i tend to help the gnomes more than the people around me. that's why i titled my blog helping garden gnomes. kind of sad really. i'm working on it though :)

imelda?

imelda? like imelda marcos with all the shoes? i'm not sure actually, but sawyer from lost tells me that's what his nickname for me would be on the island.

lost nickname generator

the terrorizing gnome of argentina!

my friend tirzah, "the african beauty", just sent me a link that i think deserves posting. this is why i try to help garden gnomes whenever possible...they start to terrorize people if not looked after properly.

"creepy gnome" terrorizes town

you're haunting me

dearest starbucks,

i realized yesterday after i wrote to you about my unfaithfulness that your presence will always haunt me. yesterday while at the grocery, i saw your face no less than four times. my first reminder of our old life together was immediately upon entering the store. there you were, hiding in the corner tucked away next to the specialty cheese cooler, your gentle fragrance slowly swirling around beckoning me to come to you and enjoy your warm flavor. but i held strong, those times are over between us - we can meet occasionally, but you will not bully me or manipulate me back into a serious relationship with you.

i then passed a cooler of drinks and saw your face again. a bottled frappucino - which i don't like - but i was almost tempted. then, down the coffee aisle. shelves upon shelves of your wonderfully roasted beans calling out to me. my will power held as you tried desperately to lure me back. but then, i went down the snack aisle...a seemingly safe zone from temptations from you. i glanced to the left and there on the top shelf, in beautifully simple and alluring packaging, you were. you were disguised as a mocha dark chocolate bar - i had never seen that side of you before and a glimmer of our old life and a hope for a new future between us was sparked. your scheming ways worked. i bought you and delighted in your perfectly smooth creamy chocolate with just the right hint of coffee and bits of bean. i suppose our relationship can continue a little longer in this new way. but i am warning you that i'm on to you - i know this could be some kind of trap and i am ready to run if i have to. i want to trust you, i do.

your apprehensively,
elisa.

p.s. i truly think it was a sign that i looked left last night as it was your first day of being chocolate too. http://www.starbucks.com/aboutus/pressdesc.asp?id=838

confessions...

dearest starbucks,

i know i've been distant lately and we haven't been seeing as much of each other. i'm sorry i haven't been completely honest with you. i don't know quite how to put this. i suppose i should just get it out there fast and quick like ripping off a band aid.

i have been going somewhere else.

it was a chance encounter. my parents introduced us at christmas time and we really hit it off. i've actually been going almost every day. i know we've shared some truly great times recently. last saturday when the weather finally felt like spring and we walked to see you and sat beneath your shady green umbrellas is a memory i will cherish forever. and our time every friday afternoon with lauren at coffee club has brought times of joy and renewal to our lives. there were weeks where i sought you out every day, and days where i would go out of my way to see you several times a day. i couldn't get enough of you. in a way you could say i became obsessed. you have a luring quality that cannot be denied.

but, this new place is a new way of life. it's a change that i have longed for. i only have to walk as far as my kitchen to enjoy the beautiful aroma of a freshly pulled espresso shot. in fact, it's moved in permanently. here it doesn't matter if i get cleaned up or put on makeup. here i can totally be myself. and honestly, not to hurt you but to inform you, here is much much better coffee and you are not a cheap date. i mean, $3.50 for a latte? here it only costs maybe a dollar. my eyes were opened to your sometimes scheming ways. i wanted an out and i found one.

you'll always have a special place in my heart and i hope we can still be friends and see each other socially every now and then. we'll always have friday afternoon coffee club and sundays after church. i hope you know that i never meant to hurt you.

yours affectionately,
elisa.

p.s. i'm sorry that my parents actually met your replacement while visiting you...i know he's like your brother and i'm sure that is very hard for you.