lost and found....god i hope not!

lost starts up again tonight and i am soooooo excited! the links between the movie cloverfield and lost are amazing and wouldn't that be a stroke of genious to somehow really tie them both in togther? yeah it would make history!

update....

so i attended my first knitting club meeting last night.... here's a visual reinactment of the first 20 minutes....

i walk in to borders about 10 minutes late - about twenty ladies have pushed several tables together and there is NO room to join them, so i sit in a comfy chair with my back to them - thinking in my head - oh my god i'm so embarrassed!

so, naturally, i text shane:

me: "oh my word there are a million ladies here and they're all at one huge table with no more chairs. what should i do? i am at least twenty years younger than any of them!"

and shane replies oh so comfortingly "OH MY GOD. did they already see you?" (gee thanks honey!)

me: "well i don't know they're all talking and knitting. i should have gotten here at 6.30 on the dot!"

shane: "can you grab a chair from somewhere else?"

me: "well...i'm in a chair right next to them with my back to them. i'm afraid to say anything"

shane (again so helpful): "oh...i don't know? just say hi or something"

shane two minutes later: "just do it!"

me: "i'm such a chicken!"

then thankfully two more women ( Barbara and Nina ) came in late! i asked to join them and they were super nice! i found out that Nina takes dog agility lessons from denise who also taught my dad and rob! so i knitted with them for quite a while then when they left the main table asked me to join them...wow i felt so cool hahahahahaha! they were all really nice and quite impressed that i had designed my own purse pattern with cables and all! it was actually really fun but a little awkward at first - aren't most good things that way though?

you know you have a problem when...

....your knitting addiction has taken over your house even more so than your 10 month old's toys and various neccessities! here's the corner behind where our two (beautiful green) couches meet and the main dumping location for all things yarn related.

but...from this chaos, has come three very beautiful little things :) first a purse for tess, second a cute little green felted box - completely un-useful, and third a beautiful little purse for emily.

also, i will be attending my first meeting of the Knitters Guild of Northern Colorado tonight. i will be the youngest one there by at least 10-15 years. but, i feel that like in most areas of your life it is wise to have older more experienced mentors around for guidance - even if it is about "just how do i exaclty make a bobble?" wish me luck :)

i DO know how to knit! YES!

i am amazing...yes, i know that sounds totally conceited and arrogant! but it's true! ok, fine....when you're done reading this you'll know it's not really true but i am proud of my "stick-to-it-ive-ness." i figured out on my own with out any special knitting classes how to do cables - i did read a little tutorial online from knitting for dummies but that's not saying anything really! there...see i am amazing. ok fine again, i am not as amazing as i sound defeating this terribly scary monster of knitting called the "cable." because, if you read the previous post, i skoffed at the notion that knitting is only knit and purl. well, it turned out to be quite true. cabling is no more that knitting and purling in a different order than normal and letting the piece do it's own thing. sadly very very simple. here was my very first ever cable -gorgeous isn't it? it then became joined with several other panels to make a completely lucious baby blanket for my good friend's newborn - sorry i don't have a pic yet - but i'll do a photo shoot with the little tyke and the gorgeous blankie later. it may not be an heirloom qulatiy piece - but it was my first attempt and i am quite proud of it!



i am so excited that i actually do know how to knit! i have started on loads of other projects now...purses, blankets, a felted something, and maybe i'll try socks. how oppulent do handmade socks sound? you know they're just gonna get worn out but you still knit them...oooooh it just sounds lovely!

knit, purl, knit, purl... yarn over? what the...?

so as some of you know and most you don't, i know how to knit...and crochet and decorate cakes and pin insects inside a bug collection box and make rag wreaths and all sorts of other arts and crafts...all thanks to 4-H - well i think actually my grandmother taught me crochet but that's beside the point. i have dabbled in the yarn arts for well over ten years - in fact i think i joined 4-H when i was 9 or 10 so probably more like 15 years in the world of yarn and yarn accessories. thanks to my friend down the street lana, i joined a 4-H club and learned that i was to use my head for clearer thinking, my heart for greater loyalty, my hands for larger service, and my health....hmmm what was that last H of health for? wait right there...i'm going to do a little google search...ahh yes, still with me? ok my health (duh) for better living...not just for myself, but for my club (my 4-H club), my community, my country and my world. what a great pledge...i should do that pledge every morning i think! anyways, i never did animals at the fair or anything like that. just meetings about creating memory books and lots and lots of knitting instruction. which brings us to my current dilemma. i read a book called the yarn harlot: the secret life of a knitter by stephanie pearl mcphee - hilarious, but really only if you or someone close to you knits. she inspired me to take up a big project - not just a scarf that i could whip out in an hour or two but a real project with no cheating on large gauge needles! i have endeavoured to knit a blanket...a baby blanket - i'm not crazy enough to jump from scarf to queen size blanket straight off, come on how silly do you think i am? don't answer that. i have high hopes for myself, high high high hopes for this blanket - it will be an heirloom passed down for generations, treasured by all who touch it, all who even catch a glimpse of it! ok, really i just have high hopes it will be straight down the sides and maybe have two colors...maybe. knitting is just two basic stitches (or so they tell you) knit and purl. you put the needle in the loop one way and that makes it a knit stitch and if you put the needle in the other way, well then you get a purl stitch. sounds truly easy doesn't it! well you're wrong. well, not totally wrong, if you just want a flat (think boring sweater flat) blanket with no texture it is super duper easy - back and forth - knit one row, purl one row, knit one row, purl one row...on and on and on.... so why i am in a dilemma? well, first off, since it's been a while since i picked up knitting needles (crocheting goes much faster but you use at least twice as much if not three times as much yarn as knitting) so when i looked at the yarn's suggested gauge of 9, i assumed it meant a size 9 needle - or a 5mm needle. however, i was wrong in my assumption and they in fact meant a 9mm needle or a size 13 needle. BIG DIFFERENCE. i got through a skein of yarn and a half and then shane so politely asked me, "is it going to get looser?" i pulled myself back from the beautiful creamy, wool blend (so it's clothes washer safe - hello it's a BABY blanket it has to be washable) and for the frist time in about 5 hours of knitting take a good long look at it...it is so stiff and tight ( thank you teeny tiny needles) that even as a sweater you couldn't move your arms ... hmmmm what to do - i'm not half way yet, i could start over...oh god. or i could somehow add cables or something interesting and make it just for looks on the side of a crib...brilliant, i'll do that! this is the vision i now began to have in mind for the awe-inspiring blanket:

or not...problem two...remember how all those hours and hours of knitting instruction in 4-H 15 years ago only produced in me the ability to do the only two stitches you are supposed to need, knit and purl? i looked at a pattern for cabling - there are crazy things in there like YARN OVERS, DROP STITCH, CABLE NEEDLE... not to mention that a pattern looks like this - can you read it?

1. Work Row 1 (RS): P4, k6, p4.
2. Work Row 2: K4, p6, k4.
3. Work Row 3: P4, k6, p4.

4. Work Row 4: k4, p6, k4.
5. Work Row 5, the turning row: P4, sl 3 sts to cn and hold in front, k3 from LH needle , k3 from cn, p4.

i didn't think so...now i'm going to have to go a specialty yarn shop and look for a class on knitting because apparently i don't know how to knit after all...whimper whimper

Wii got a Wii!

Wii! Wii got a Wii! yes Wii did, Wii got a Wiii for shaney boy's birthday! It is so much fun and so addictive! Wii both haven't had a game system since Wii were both like 12 or so. Wii have been having way too much fun making our Mii's on the Wii and even went so far as to make all the spice girls, chuck liddell, tito ortiz, and a variety of our friends who will probably never play the Wii with us. it's so nice to have them be on your baseball team or in the background at the bowling alley :) Wii even rented a game from blockbuster - raving rabbids - a slightly disturbing but highly entertaining game dealing solely with how to murder these raving rabbid rabbits who have kidnapped your little blue friends whose name i can't think of....you have to milk cows, sheer sheep, have epic showdown gunfights in the old west, and even pull worms out of rabbit teeth and all kinds of other strange tasks... weird but oh so fun!

anyways...Wii are enjoying our Wii immensely!

regrets

what do i regret? well, let me set aside a whole day's worth of hours to start recording them all. i regret loads! loads and loads of stupid things, loads and loads of rather important things, loads and loads of unfortunately life changing things. right now though, i am regretting not praying for some of my friends more. now i know prayer changes things and god really truly does listen to our requests, but we also have a a free will and prayer alone will not change someone from a selfish liar into a loving devoted friend again...but maybe if i had been praying earlier or kept my eyes open to some of the signs better, there would have been a better chance for change.

i am excellent at cutting you out of my life if you hurt me too much. if you cross the line that i draw in the circumstance, i won't let you back over. i reget that i did that to my friend...my best friend at the time. i knew her faults. i enabled most of them because i'm in general non-confrontational. i saw them get more and more out of control, but never said anything to voice my concerns. as a friend, that was not how i would want to be treated. i want my faults voiced and brought out so that i can work on them, accept them as faults and move forward. now, she too knew some of her faults, but never wanted to work on them. she expected us to live with them because "that's just how she is". i deeply regret i didn't stand up for what's right and say that NO, just because you know you have a problem doesn't make it ok to keep living like that and treating people like you do. a friend should sharpen you, make you want to be a better person every time you're around them - not just spiritually or morally, but physically, mentally, athletically, scholarly and the list goes on - in every way, you as a friend should sharpen those around you. i chose to let her get dull in some ways because it was too hard or uncomfortable to try and sharpen everything. what a shame - what a regret.

i saw the signs of lost interest, of flippancy, of annoyance. why didn't i ask her about them? why did i listen to her speech of love of a lifetime, perfect match, and marital bliss? why didn't i say anything about the slow but steady change i was seeing? why didn't i question her actions? regret, regret, regret...

she stood by my side on june 11, 2005 and told me that marriage was the best thing that ever happened to her, that she knew that i had found my one true love just as she had 10 years before - but she was already planning the break, the deception, the cowardly and manipulative betrayal - she had already begaun the unimaginable process in her heart.

she betrayed a lot of people - i am not even high on the list of those who were most hurt i'm sure. but this hurt has affected so may layers of my life and i regret that i let it. for a while i was terrified that i would do the same thing - let myself change so subtly that after ten years, i was such a different person that i didn't care about what was right anymore. but then i realized, i have a choice. AND I CHOOSE TO STAND FOR WHAT IS RIGHT. i choose to keep myself around people who will sharpen me, who will tell me when i am screwing and when i need to make a change for the good.

I CHOOSE TO NOT REGRET MY LIFE AND THE DECISIONS I MAKE.

chestnuts roasting on an open fire....

one day, i will try a freshly roasted chestnut - but until i can find one of these i'll just sing about them.




Chestnuts roasting on an open fire,
Jack Frost nipping on your nose,
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir,
And folks dressed up like Eskimos.


Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe,
Help to make the season bright.
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow,
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.


They know that Santa's on his way;
He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh.
And every mother's child is going to spy,
To see if reindeer really know how to fly.


And so I'm offering this simple phrase,
To kids from one to ninety-two,
Although its been said many times, many ways,
Merry Christmas to you !!!

the healthiest me i can be

so i've been reading several books lately that ... gasp ... aren't fiction! i know, so shocking! i never ONCE read a text book in college (except for my literature classes, but those were fiction or poetry so that doesn't count - i wanted to read those) and in high school i literally just skimmed. so for me to pick up 4 non fiction/text book type books in the past month and devour them is practically unheard of!

the first book i went through was YOU on a diet: waist management. this is a hilarious book that really teaches you how your body works - why eating one thing could cause another part of body to not work/function at it's full potential. it's not really a diet like the title suggests, more of a guide on how to optimize your body's performance. this is an amazing revelation if you are interested in better nutrition whether you're "big" or "little" already.

then i received a book from my mother-in-law called The Healthiest Kid in the Neighborhood by Dr. William Spears and his wife and two sons who are also doctors (pediatricians). if you have or are ever planning on having children - PLEASE READ THIS BOOK! i cried several times because i want to give eisley a better chance at being healthy and having a better body image than i received from my parents and i want to be a role model for her. Now, i'm not saying my parents did a bad job AT ALL! i can't remember a time when i was in school that we kept chips or cookies or soda - or anything like that at all in the house. in fact, i distinctly remembering training myself to like soda - it hurt sooooo bad at first to drink it - then of course it became easy :) so actually my parents gave me an incredible advantage starting out in that respect, but we also ate lots of mac-n-cheese and loads of other processed things with more salt or sugar per serving than one needs all day! i am an admitted salt junkie - if it's salty and has partially hydrogenated soybean oil in it, i probably like it! i can give or take sweets, but salty is where it's at. this book really has given me a new outlook on my role as a parent. the book mentions that we as parents naturally want the best for our children and also ourselves. we give them the best toys, the nicest clothes, want them to attend the best schools and get the best education, so why would we feed them sugar loaded breakfasts right before school that inevitably cause them to act out, fall asleep, zone out and not get the full experience at school and why would we feed them foods that break down their immune systems instead of fueling them so that they don't get sick as often? Since we as a family, my parents and shane's too, have been eating healthier, i can't tell you how much better i feel - more alert, happier, more energetic, i really like life again! If you never read this book, but i wish you would - remember these three things:

Never eat anything with these ingredients in them and you will be 90% of the way to eating very heathfully:

1. partially hydrogenated soybean oil


2. high fructose corn syrup


3. any dye/color followed by a number; red 40, yellow 5 etc...

then the next book i picked up was No Need for Speed: A Beginner's Guide to the Joy of Running by John Bingham. lauren, me, my mom and shane are going to run the bolder boulder in may (national pickle month by the way) and we are starting our training now. my mom and dad were runners before i was born and up until i was about 3 - they even wrote a running book - i can't find it anywhere online, but we have a copy somewhere in the basement. my dad has for probably the last 7 years been running again - on a treadmill because his knees can't handle concrete. my mom however, has not run since i was three - she actually ran the bolder boulder while she was pregnant with me! this is a great book too if you want to get into running - it lets you know it's ok that you're not going to be a marathoner overnight or even after a week's training for that matter. it's very inspirational and has lessons from everyday people like us that haven't been running that long and the changes it has made in them. The book has a quote in it that goes something like this, i don't have it in front of me so this paraphrased: when you untie the "nots" (reasons you are NOT capable, good enough, etc) you learn that you can change and you can change into the best you you can be. you may not be the best runner ever, but you can become the best runner you can ever be. as your outside changes you start to notice your soul change as well.

the fourth book, i'm still reading, is another running book called The Complete Book Of Running For Women by Claire Kowalchik. i just started it, but it's just geared, obviously, towards issues women face while running.

i'm excited to start my life, with the support of my family and friends - to become the healthiest me i can be!!!

the grieving process

it's funny...no, not funny at all, it's scary actually how random moments in life spark back into life emotions from long ago. i've been wanting to write about this for a while but at the same time haven't because i know it will be a tear filled experience, and as i am at work when i write these, i don't really want to be caught bawling in my office.

friday, june 16th, 2006. shane and i had just celebrated our first wedding anniversary on the 11th and were planning on taking the week after off from work due to some scheduling problem with his work. so on friday after work we went to the olive garden and enjoyed a nice meal together and talked of what we would do during our week off. we were poor back then, still are for that matter, and we couldn't afford to do anything too "fun" so we were just gonna hang around the house and maybe go to the zoo or something. on our way home, i specifically asked shane to go a certain way home. we couldn't though because of a police barricade obviously blocking us from an accident up ahead that was just out of sight. i immediately said a prayer for the people involved like i always do -it's something my mom always did in the car when i was a kid so i guess i picked that up. so we went the long way round instead. then we came across another police barricade blocking off a large section of highway. down the other side of the road we saw an ambulance coming - not racing - with its lights off. shane said "bummer, it's never a good sign when you see an ambulance with its lights off going to a car crash." i had no idea what he meant. so i asked "why?" "because someone died" he said. wow, if i had only known then.

we continued home and spent an hour or so goofing off and just laying upstairs talking. then shane's phone kept ringing, but we were on "vacation" so we weren't gonna answer phones. i purposely left mine downstairs so as to not be bothered at all. shane got a voicemail. his mom wanted him to call her and for me to call my dad. i knew then and my heart dropped that something bad had happened. i called my dad back after missing 4-5 calls from him. he didn't say hello, he didn't say anything reassuring like i wanted him to. he said "sit down. betsy died." i dropped the phone and screamed - one of those screams from a movie when a parent loses a child - one that you think they are making up, because no one really makes that noise. but they do, and so did i. shane called my dad back a few minutes later and put him on speaker and he told us what happened. betsy - my beautiful little betsy boo, her brother and her mom had been hit by truck while turning left across highway 287. betsy died instantly - thank god. joan was in the hospital barely alive. and marky was going to another hospital with some bad cuts and such. so i called everyone i knew, once i had it together a bit more, and asked them to all pray for them. i called lauren, it was her first day back to colorado - in fact she was still in the car. i called jenna and kathryn to see how they were. they didn't know yet. i couldn't be the one to tell them. i couldn't. they called me back frantic because no one would tell them anything - they knew someone died but they didn't know which someone. i couldn't tell them. i couldn't. shane and i held each other crying till we fell asleep. i woke up in the middle of the night screaming again.

we picked them up the next morning at the airport and now my vision of airports being happy places has changed. not everyone flying in is greeting friends and family and is excited about their stay - we ran to each other and cried for a long time holding each other. people stared, people shook their heads like we were ruining their happy time in the airport...whatever. that week of "vacation" was the most exhausting and emotional week of my life. i can't even imagine how much more exponentially hard it was for betsy's immediate family. they are the strongest family i have ever met and i greatly admire them all.

i went through a grieving process - i cried everyday for weeks about it. about all of our happy times, about regrets, about her lost future. i thought i was mostly over it. i started to only occasionally cry. jenna had moved back and i saw her a lot and that made it easier. then i hadn't cried in months. until we tried to watch the movie disturbia. if you've seen it then you know there is an horrific accident at the beginning and the boy's dad dies - i couldn't watch the rest - i again started to scream. it was too realistic - it was too much like what i thought she might have seen just before she died. it all came back too fast. i again cried for days - not as long as when it first happened, but a long time.

our good friends' puppy died this week. another little life taken too soon. so much potential so much promise. life is too short already and sometimes even shorter still. i've again cried for days and maybe that's ok.