what do i regret? well, let me set aside a whole day's worth of hours to start recording them all. i regret loads! loads and loads of stupid things, loads and loads of rather important things, loads and loads of unfortunately life changing things. right now though, i am regretting not praying for some of my friends more. now i know prayer changes things and god really truly does listen to our requests, but we also have a a free will and prayer alone will not change someone from a selfish liar into a loving devoted friend again...but maybe if i had been praying earlier or kept my eyes open to some of the signs better, there would have been a better chance for change.
i am excellent at cutting you out of my life if you hurt me too much. if you cross the line that i draw in the circumstance, i won't let you back over. i reget that i did that to my friend...my best friend at the time. i knew her faults. i enabled most of them because i'm in general non-confrontational. i saw them get more and more out of control, but never said anything to voice my concerns. as a friend, that was not how i would want to be treated. i want my faults voiced and brought out so that i can work on them, accept them as faults and move forward. now, she too knew some of her faults, but never wanted to work on them. she expected us to live with them because "that's just how she is". i deeply regret i didn't stand up for what's right and say that NO, just because you know you have a problem doesn't make it ok to keep living like that and treating people like you do. a friend should sharpen you, make you want to be a better person every time you're around them - not just spiritually or morally, but physically, mentally, athletically, scholarly and the list goes on - in every way, you as a friend should sharpen those around you. i chose to let her get dull in some ways because it was too hard or uncomfortable to try and sharpen everything. what a shame - what a regret.
i saw the signs of lost interest, of flippancy, of annoyance. why didn't i ask her about them? why did i listen to her speech of love of a lifetime, perfect match, and marital bliss? why didn't i say anything about the slow but steady change i was seeing? why didn't i question her actions? regret, regret, regret...
she stood by my side on june 11, 2005 and told me that marriage was the best thing that ever happened to her, that she knew that i had found my one true love just as she had 10 years before - but she was already planning the break, the deception, the cowardly and manipulative betrayal - she had already begaun the unimaginable process in her heart.
she betrayed a lot of people - i am not even high on the list of those who were most hurt i'm sure. but this hurt has affected so may layers of my life and i regret that i let it. for a while i was terrified that i would do the same thing - let myself change so subtly that after ten years, i was such a different person that i didn't care about what was right anymore. but then i realized, i have a choice. AND I CHOOSE TO STAND FOR WHAT IS RIGHT. i choose to keep myself around people who will sharpen me, who will tell me when i am screwing and when i need to make a change for the good.
I CHOOSE TO NOT REGRET MY LIFE AND THE DECISIONS I MAKE.
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Thursday, December 6, 2007
the grieving process
it's funny...no, not funny at all, it's scary actually how random moments in life spark back into life emotions from long ago. i've been wanting to write about this for a while but at the same time haven't because i know it will be a tear filled experience, and as i am at work when i write these, i don't really want to be caught bawling in my office.
friday, june 16th, 2006. shane and i had just celebrated our first wedding anniversary on the 11th and were planning on taking the week after off from work due to some scheduling problem with his work. so on friday after work we went to the olive garden and enjoyed a nice meal together and talked of what we would do during our week off. we were poor back then, still are for that matter, and we couldn't afford to do anything too "fun" so we were just gonna hang around the house and maybe go to the zoo or something. on our way home, i specifically asked shane to go a certain way home. we couldn't though because of a police barricade obviously blocking us from an accident up ahead that was just out of sight. i immediately said a prayer for the people involved like i always do -it's something my mom always did in the car when i was a kid so i guess i picked that up. so we went the long way round instead. then we came across another police barricade blocking off a large section of highway. down the other side of the road we saw an ambulance coming - not racing - with its lights off. shane said "bummer, it's never a good sign when you see an ambulance with its lights off going to a car crash." i had no idea what he meant. so i asked "why?" "because someone died" he said. wow, if i had only known then.
we continued home and spent an hour or so goofing off and just laying upstairs talking. then shane's phone kept ringing, but we were on "vacation" so we weren't gonna answer phones. i purposely left mine downstairs so as to not be bothered at all. shane got a voicemail. his mom wanted him to call her and for me to call my dad. i knew then and my heart dropped that something bad had happened. i called my dad back after missing 4-5 calls from him. he didn't say hello, he didn't say anything reassuring like i wanted him to. he said "sit down. betsy died." i dropped the phone and screamed - one of those screams from a movie when a parent loses a child - one that you think they are making up, because no one really makes that noise. but they do, and so did i. shane called my dad back a few minutes later and put him on speaker and he told us what happened. betsy - my beautiful little betsy boo, her brother and her mom had been hit by truck while turning left across highway 287. betsy died instantly - thank god. joan was in the hospital barely alive. and marky was going to another hospital with some bad cuts and such. so i called everyone i knew, once i had it together a bit more, and asked them to all pray for them. i called lauren, it was her first day back to colorado - in fact she was still in the car. i called jenna and kathryn to see how they were. they didn't know yet. i couldn't be the one to tell them. i couldn't. they called me back frantic because no one would tell them anything - they knew someone died but they didn't know which someone. i couldn't tell them. i couldn't. shane and i held each other crying till we fell asleep. i woke up in the middle of the night screaming again.
we picked them up the next morning at the airport and now my vision of airports being happy places has changed. not everyone flying in is greeting friends and family and is excited about their stay - we ran to each other and cried for a long time holding each other. people stared, people shook their heads like we were ruining their happy time in the airport...whatever. that week of "vacation" was the most exhausting and emotional week of my life. i can't even imagine how much more exponentially hard it was for betsy's immediate family. they are the strongest family i have ever met and i greatly admire them all.
i went through a grieving process - i cried everyday for weeks about it. about all of our happy times, about regrets, about her lost future. i thought i was mostly over it. i started to only occasionally cry. jenna had moved back and i saw her a lot and that made it easier. then i hadn't cried in months. until we tried to watch the movie disturbia. if you've seen it then you know there is an horrific accident at the beginning and the boy's dad dies - i couldn't watch the rest - i again started to scream. it was too realistic - it was too much like what i thought she might have seen just before she died. it all came back too fast. i again cried for days - not as long as when it first happened, but a long time.
our good friends' puppy died this week. another little life taken too soon. so much potential so much promise. life is too short already and sometimes even shorter still. i've again cried for days and maybe that's ok.
friday, june 16th, 2006. shane and i had just celebrated our first wedding anniversary on the 11th and were planning on taking the week after off from work due to some scheduling problem with his work. so on friday after work we went to the olive garden and enjoyed a nice meal together and talked of what we would do during our week off. we were poor back then, still are for that matter, and we couldn't afford to do anything too "fun" so we were just gonna hang around the house and maybe go to the zoo or something. on our way home, i specifically asked shane to go a certain way home. we couldn't though because of a police barricade obviously blocking us from an accident up ahead that was just out of sight. i immediately said a prayer for the people involved like i always do -it's something my mom always did in the car when i was a kid so i guess i picked that up. so we went the long way round instead. then we came across another police barricade blocking off a large section of highway. down the other side of the road we saw an ambulance coming - not racing - with its lights off. shane said "bummer, it's never a good sign when you see an ambulance with its lights off going to a car crash." i had no idea what he meant. so i asked "why?" "because someone died" he said. wow, if i had only known then.
we continued home and spent an hour or so goofing off and just laying upstairs talking. then shane's phone kept ringing, but we were on "vacation" so we weren't gonna answer phones. i purposely left mine downstairs so as to not be bothered at all. shane got a voicemail. his mom wanted him to call her and for me to call my dad. i knew then and my heart dropped that something bad had happened. i called my dad back after missing 4-5 calls from him. he didn't say hello, he didn't say anything reassuring like i wanted him to. he said "sit down. betsy died." i dropped the phone and screamed - one of those screams from a movie when a parent loses a child - one that you think they are making up, because no one really makes that noise. but they do, and so did i. shane called my dad back a few minutes later and put him on speaker and he told us what happened. betsy - my beautiful little betsy boo, her brother and her mom had been hit by truck while turning left across highway 287. betsy died instantly - thank god. joan was in the hospital barely alive. and marky was going to another hospital with some bad cuts and such. so i called everyone i knew, once i had it together a bit more, and asked them to all pray for them. i called lauren, it was her first day back to colorado - in fact she was still in the car. i called jenna and kathryn to see how they were. they didn't know yet. i couldn't be the one to tell them. i couldn't. they called me back frantic because no one would tell them anything - they knew someone died but they didn't know which someone. i couldn't tell them. i couldn't. shane and i held each other crying till we fell asleep. i woke up in the middle of the night screaming again.
we picked them up the next morning at the airport and now my vision of airports being happy places has changed. not everyone flying in is greeting friends and family and is excited about their stay - we ran to each other and cried for a long time holding each other. people stared, people shook their heads like we were ruining their happy time in the airport...whatever. that week of "vacation" was the most exhausting and emotional week of my life. i can't even imagine how much more exponentially hard it was for betsy's immediate family. they are the strongest family i have ever met and i greatly admire them all.
i went through a grieving process - i cried everyday for weeks about it. about all of our happy times, about regrets, about her lost future. i thought i was mostly over it. i started to only occasionally cry. jenna had moved back and i saw her a lot and that made it easier. then i hadn't cried in months. until we tried to watch the movie disturbia. if you've seen it then you know there is an horrific accident at the beginning and the boy's dad dies - i couldn't watch the rest - i again started to scream. it was too realistic - it was too much like what i thought she might have seen just before she died. it all came back too fast. i again cried for days - not as long as when it first happened, but a long time.
our good friends' puppy died this week. another little life taken too soon. so much potential so much promise. life is too short already and sometimes even shorter still. i've again cried for days and maybe that's ok.
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