regrets

what do i regret? well, let me set aside a whole day's worth of hours to start recording them all. i regret loads! loads and loads of stupid things, loads and loads of rather important things, loads and loads of unfortunately life changing things. right now though, i am regretting not praying for some of my friends more. now i know prayer changes things and god really truly does listen to our requests, but we also have a a free will and prayer alone will not change someone from a selfish liar into a loving devoted friend again...but maybe if i had been praying earlier or kept my eyes open to some of the signs better, there would have been a better chance for change.

i am excellent at cutting you out of my life if you hurt me too much. if you cross the line that i draw in the circumstance, i won't let you back over. i reget that i did that to my friend...my best friend at the time. i knew her faults. i enabled most of them because i'm in general non-confrontational. i saw them get more and more out of control, but never said anything to voice my concerns. as a friend, that was not how i would want to be treated. i want my faults voiced and brought out so that i can work on them, accept them as faults and move forward. now, she too knew some of her faults, but never wanted to work on them. she expected us to live with them because "that's just how she is". i deeply regret i didn't stand up for what's right and say that NO, just because you know you have a problem doesn't make it ok to keep living like that and treating people like you do. a friend should sharpen you, make you want to be a better person every time you're around them - not just spiritually or morally, but physically, mentally, athletically, scholarly and the list goes on - in every way, you as a friend should sharpen those around you. i chose to let her get dull in some ways because it was too hard or uncomfortable to try and sharpen everything. what a shame - what a regret.

i saw the signs of lost interest, of flippancy, of annoyance. why didn't i ask her about them? why did i listen to her speech of love of a lifetime, perfect match, and marital bliss? why didn't i say anything about the slow but steady change i was seeing? why didn't i question her actions? regret, regret, regret...

she stood by my side on june 11, 2005 and told me that marriage was the best thing that ever happened to her, that she knew that i had found my one true love just as she had 10 years before - but she was already planning the break, the deception, the cowardly and manipulative betrayal - she had already begaun the unimaginable process in her heart.

she betrayed a lot of people - i am not even high on the list of those who were most hurt i'm sure. but this hurt has affected so may layers of my life and i regret that i let it. for a while i was terrified that i would do the same thing - let myself change so subtly that after ten years, i was such a different person that i didn't care about what was right anymore. but then i realized, i have a choice. AND I CHOOSE TO STAND FOR WHAT IS RIGHT. i choose to keep myself around people who will sharpen me, who will tell me when i am screwing and when i need to make a change for the good.

I CHOOSE TO NOT REGRET MY LIFE AND THE DECISIONS I MAKE.

addictive behavior

i have an addiction. they say that the first step to overcoming an addiction is acknowledgement. so here i am, acknowledging it.

i am addicted to starbucks.

shhhhh....don't tell anyone though - i am only telling you - that is acknowledgement enough for now.

i wake up, i think of how delicious a tall soy one-pump carmel macchiato sounds. i get ready, i think how delightful a iced grande soy latte with one perfect splenda would be. i drive to work, i think of the way half-and-half looks like swirling smoke when you pour it into a venti iced coffee and how i might do anything to get one. inevitably i cave. i try and spend less than $5 when i go. and for the most part, i can somehow resist those little fluted cakey cookies so unprecociously named madeleines.

every friday i go to coffee club with loo-loo. we sit outside under green umbrellas talking and joking and in general just enjoying eachothers company. i love friday coffee club and am almost depressed when it doesn't happen for one reason or another. every sunday (almost) the crew we roll with goes to lunch (usually chipotle - i am not personally addicted to it - but i know three boys who are - YOU KNOW WHO ARE - acknowledgement is the first step to recovery!!!!) and then it's on to starbucks. we sit for a long long time talking and playing with the babies, in general just getting to know this new hodge podge family that god has created for us (strangely enough, this new family has mostly been brought together by starbucks. that is another blog in and of itself, but let's just say starbucks weaves in and out of all our lives!) My mom is also a fan of the "bucks" and orders with flare! she rollllllllllls her R's in "grrrrrrrrande" and sounds strangely italian or at least foreign when she says "tall cafe vanilla frappuccino light!" you might say she is my "enabler." she all too often buys me one of those enslaving beverages. i love my mom - for more reasons than just that, but that is high up on the list.

there are a few things i don't particularly like about starbucks 1.) can be habit forming - obvisouly 2.) a little high in price at times 3.) and it seems like they might be taking over the world.

But there are far more things i do like... it's a warm inviting place to meet friends, coworkers, or family, read a book, spend time writing, meet new people...etc. it's always full of holiday cheer :) and it's truly great coffee.

truthfully, i don't wanna get over it - i want to bathe in its warm, robust aroma

...just one more time...

fairy tales really do come true

once upon a time

a girl fell in love with a boy

they got a dog

they had a baby

their life is splendid.

the end.

poop breath when shane's gone

shane is home and i am happy. this has been a hard month for us. he has to go to trade shows for his job about 6 times a year and they are usually pretty spaced out. this month, however, there were two trade shows with only a week in between. this is how it usually works: he leaves early in the morning -giving me a kiss before he goes - and i am usually too asleep to say more than a mumbled "luhhbbuuuu honey"(i am sad that i never get it together enough to wake up with him and make him breakfast or do something special for him - my excuse lately is "the baby" - but bologna, she is the best baby and doesn't wake up till 6 or 7!) everyday i get up, take lewy out, get baby up, feed baby disgusting pureed things, and wait for shane to call. the entire time he is gone i wait for him to call or text me. i try and pass my days as quickly as possible. i miss him like i would if i had lost a lung or some other vital organ. it's hard to breathe when he's not here. i feel out of breath like i am running a marathon at 15,000 ft - well, just walking at that altitude will wind you! when he is gone, i realize how much he does for me (see below) and how much god desires us to be united with someone. it's also impossible to fall asleep quickly when he is not there next me. i am cold - and usually smelling dog farts, because lewy sleeps with me when shane is gone and prefers his butt to be in my face - not that his face would be any better - he has poop breath and snores - anyways, i am cold and my mind races with every strange creak or sound. so i usually turn the light back on, try and get lewy to reposition himself, and read something until my eyes are so heavy that i have to sleep. making dinner is not fun either without someone to share it with. so i usually just eat something microwaveable or ramen noodles. life is not nearly as fun without my hunny bunny there by my side.

but strangely enough, most times when shane gets home, i treat him horribly, like he went away on purpose just to make me feel lonely and inadequate at doing a two person job. i know this isn't the case and that he is heartbroken whenever he has to leave me and the baby and even poop face lewy. but for some reason i retaliate to the wrong person and treat him like dirt. i am working on being loving and respectful when he gets back, because i love him and truly never want him to feel unloved or unwanted! i don't know why i wrote that - i guess i just need to put down a visual reminder to myself to not take out my frustrations on him.

so now life is back to normal. my feet are warm at night and i only have soft breath on the back of my neck and i can make dinner for two!

things shane does that i take for granted (a partial list):

• takes lewy out everyday before i get up
• turns the bathroom light on AFTER he closes the door
• wakes up every other morning to feed the baby
• buy dog food on the way home from work so i don't have to make a special trip
• picks up milk or some other various grocery
• rents me movies on saturdays when he is gone most of the day to keep me occupied
• gives me his onions and pepperoccinis (sp?) from salads
• calls me everyday on his way home for lunch
• texts me every afternoon about 3 to say he loves me
• takes the baby on a walk when he gets home from work so that i can have 10 minutes to do whatever the heck i want
• folds the laundry - i help too
• does dishes - again i help too
• rubs my back
• plays with my hair
• makes up silly songs and jokes to make me laugh
• works at a job that he doesn't love to make enough for us to live on
• remembers my favorite thing at restaurants and orders it for me
• doesn't complain about how things are going - even though sometimes i wish he would
• whispers or mouths "olive juice" and funny weird times
• gets along with my parents like he truly is their son
• can't cook but for boiling water but would try if you asked him to

i could and should write more but it's time to go home - you get the idea i'm sure - he does everything for me!