it's the holiday season...whoop-dee-doo and hickory dock!

ok, so i've been gone a long time....dying blog........

i feel i got some splainin' to do...first, shane was gone practically the entire month of november but for thanksgiving...so i was a little busy with working, being a single mom for the month, and tending to the overwhelmingly needy dog. second, about the third day after shane left, our laptop went the way of the buffalo with a dead keyboard and motherboard.

but now i am BACK baby and it's christmas time! *sigh* i love this time of year! but i've got a problem this year...one that can only be solved by writing a dear john letter....


dear "atmospheric conditions" aka the weather,

you know as well as i do that we have a love hate relationship. but this year, you have been driving me absolutely crazy. to quote my current favorite movie "your mood swings are giving me whiplash!"

thank you for the milder summer. not having A/C can make it difficult to withstand your heat that tends to get bottled up in our top floor bedroom, but you definately made an effort to try and not scorch me so much this year. however, our arrangement has always been that about halfway through september you start cutting back on the 90 degree days and give way to the more balmy ones of 75. you kept your temperatures up to 80 degrees until about two weeks ago. do i need to remind you that it is now december? i appreciate your concern that i did not "get enough fresh air the previous summer" and you "were only trying to help" but - sleeveless tops in october so the kiddos can play outside without getting heat stroke is a bit much. as we are on the topic of not keeping your agreements....you have always gotten either extremely cold or snowed on halloween. while, i will not complain too much about the fact that i didn't have to wear a coat while my little girl did her first ever trick-or-treating this year, i will say that you made me out to look like fool as i told my "new to colorado" neightbor that "of course it will snow on halloween - it ALWAYS does." i do not like looking the fool!

thank you for FINALLY snowing once we put up our christmas lights. it's about time! is that all you were waiting for? our christmas lights? if i had known that i would have put them up in october. stop with the freakishly warm days were the kids in the 'hood think it's ok to wear shorts in december and get down to being winter. i know your "official" day isn't till decmber 21st this year but our NORMAL agreement has always been a flexible date in november when it is clear that it is winter. so starting snowing already and you better stop in march when i tell you! GOT IT! if you plan on changing any of our agreements in the future, i want it in writing first. i am cc'ing this to my lawyer.

yours most annoyed

elisa.

i know, i know

i've told myself time and time again - no expectations of grandeur this time ok?!?! but, nevertheless, i seem to find myself thinking way out at the big picture at what i hope to be able to do one day. which, may or may not be possible or probable. i typically shoot down all of shane's big grand ideas because, typically, i see all the tiny steps to get there and know (or presume to know) that he will give up or that the outcome of the all steps together doesn't justify the results of all the little ones in between. but now, i am realizing that maybe i'm wrong in all my assessments of his big grand ideas. maybe the little steps i see in his big plans aren't the little steps he'll actually take. maybe he will do things differently than i expect and the sum of the whole will be equal to the sum of the parts. what i'm trying to say is that through running i'm realizing that the small steps i take 6 out of 7 days a week count just as much as being able to run, say, 25 miles a week - that each of my little steps that i take may or may not add up to what i think the outcome will be. i ran 2 miles today - well run/walked 2 miles - it took me 33 minutes. that is slow by anyone's standards. BUT, i realized that speed doesn't count/matter. i still got out there and did it. i'm not ever going to win a race or set a world record. my true goal is to be able to do this running thing - and guess what i already am doing it. the time dedicated to running is more important than some distance or speed goal that i think i should be able to do someday. i just want running to be a part of my everyday life regardless of how many miles it actually puts on my shoes. right now, the dedication to get up early and run is enough and i'm ok with the idea that maybe that is all i will ever be up for. one day at a time determining to run. i read the book No Need For Speed by John Bingham and he outlines the cycle of inspiration and loss of interest or disappointment that usually happens when you don't see the celebration in the activity you're setting out to do. his solution is to find the joy in every run...no matter how small. He says you should think like this: Inspiration, Dedication, Perspiration, and Celebration - that way the cycle is just that, a cycle. when inspiration dies, like it inevitably will, the celebration of each run, finding the joy therein, will raise up new inspiration. this cycle isn't vicious - it's life giving.

don't say anything...unless...

sometimes i feel like i have nothing nice to say...so i say nothing at all...on my blog...to myself and friends and family, i say all kinds of not nice nothings! so, instead of saying all my not nice things, i thought i would say all the nice things right now.

i am loving the fall weather. though we live in colorado and our fall lasts approximately 2 weeks, and of those weeks there are really only about 5 hours devoted to fall weather each day, i am enjoying the chill! i love sweaters and socks and bundling up. i think i just like to feel cozy. i also look good in fallish colors!

i am too loving all the halloween and autumn decorations going up all over the neighborhood. even the neighbor i don't like too much put up something fallish - so, see she can't be ALL bad then! i have gourds on the front porch, pumpkin spice candles inside, and a bag-o-halloween decorations in the closet ready for our halloween party.

i went to estes park with loo loo and kel bel and have a marvelous time. it was quite possibly the most picturesque day of my life. let me take you there...it was a beautiful drive up - not many people on the road (except once we got into town), bright yellow patches of changing aspens dotting the mountains with hints of not often seen autumnal red leaves sprinkled here and there too. it was the elk festival, so of course, there were a million people out and about. we easily though, thanks to loo and kel's expert knowledge of the area due to a summer/fall of working up there, found a parking spot and a cozy chinese place to eat. we ate delicious food and chit chatted about everything. then we went off to explore the town and the festival. we walked by the river behind all the shops to avoid the hustling bustling crowds as long as possible and admired the houses whose porches hung out over the rushing water. the air got chillier and chillier as we walked and ominous dark grey clouds started to build to the west. we stopped in to a few stores and even bought some touristy shirts - "got oxygen?" we walked and walked occcassionaly stopping to comment on something in a shop window. we finally came to the park hosting the elk festival where there were tipis and camp fire cooking, stations to learn how to make a fire by rubbing two sticks together, racoon fur hats, and lots of mullets and tight wrangler jeans. there was only a half an hour left of the festival so the crowd was thinning. then we saw the wolves. real live wolves! there were two massive wolves in a pen pacing and staring down the gawking onlookers. then came a voice "move back! moving wolves! get back!" and from behind the pen came a man and two women guiding two even bigger wolves on leashes to be put back in the truck. they were terrified with tails tucked and it made me a little sad that this was i how i saw wolves in real life. we then continued on to our favorite estes haunt - a little place only the locals know about - perhaps maybe you've heard of it - starbucks! as we walked down the crowded street, a gust of wind came and blew tiny yellow leaves down upon our heads. we all stopped - blocking the walking traffic - and stared up at the rapidly greying sky with hands outstretched as the leaves fell against our faces and palms. we walked on to get our coffee and made it in just before a rush and snatched up the last table. then it started to rain. sprinkles at first and then not quite a downpour but no longer a drizzle. we waited it out sipping on our cups of friendship and warmth. we moved on once the rain subsided some, but were quickly pushed back under cover and sat for a few minutes outside a local real estate office's overhang and perused the for sale homes that we will never be able to afford. we left our shelter and made our last major stop at the candy apple store and then it was off home. there was more traffic on the way down which helped to bring us all out of our reverie for our perfect fall afternoon and soon we were back in longmont and we'd missed the eastern traveling rain clouds by a only a few minutes.

it's nearly time for christmas music - and that always puts smile on my face!

we're going on a vacation of sorts to visit my family in IL next week. we have one of those rare families that actually all get along with one another and genuinely enjoy eachother's company and don't fight when in tight quaters with eachother - perhaps it is because we only see eachother once a year. nonetheless, it will be 6 days of kickball games, pots upon pots of coffee, hardee's breakfasts, guitar playing, children laughing, home cookin', and love.

ok, that was enough to cheer me up subtantially and forget at least for a few moments that i have not nice things to say too - but i'll focus on my nice things today at least!

google told me so...

so every once in a while i like to do that silly thing where you search google for "'your name' needs" i.e. "elisa needs" and then see what the results are...pretty funny here's this time's results in the order they appear in the search:

1. elisa needs rehab - yikes
2. elisa needs a better icon and logo - what?
3. elisa needs to reflect - probably
4. elisa needs and supports - doesn't everybody?
5. elisa needs a man - yep just the one i already have ;)
6. elisa needs to update - again probably
7. elisa needs to have a framework that is both flexible and dynamic - hmmm true
8. elisa needs a nice bar on the top - ummm a bar on top of what? my roof?
9. elisa needs now - uh...
10. elisa needs to experience beautiful things - i do every day
11. elisa needs to be confirmed by a second method - i don't want any false positives or anything
12. elisa needs to gabe alone - what does that even mean?
13. elisa needs your measurements - huh, i wonder what i am making you
14. elisa needs to be adjusted - yep a good precision adjustment is just what i need
15. elisa needs to shout a bit more - yikes at who?
16. elisa needs to feel safe - maybe i need to feel safe from the person i need to shout at
17. elisa needs to be stored at 2 to 8 degrees Celsius - i like the cold i really really do, but that is chilly!
18. elisa needs less - wait, of what!!!
19. elisa needs to get like a 100 on this final - thank god this one can't be true - i'm not in school!!!
20. elisa needs further validation for quantification purposes - stupid validation process!

well, there you go - google's top picks for what i need :)

clogged

lately, i have been so overly inspired by things that i can't let any of it out - i have a creativity clog. anyone have some inspiration drain-o that i could use?

top ten ways to get a clogged creativity center:

1. look at just the first page of esty.com
2. log into flickr.com
3. join a flickr group
4. read any book
5. go to blurb.com
6. search for a blog on a hobby/craft/art style/artist you enjoy and follow every single link that they like...hours of inspiration constipation coming up!
7. search artists on youtube.com
8. have creative friends and talk about what they're into right now
9. look at magazines
10. check this guy out - he'll blow your mind! markryden.com

better back this up....

figured i better back up my claims of greatness....i mean accomplishments since the tv left....so, in a very photoful blog post, here you go!

Here are the makings of a cupcake hat for eisley - i just have to add the frosting :)

Here are some little pieces i have started and some i've finished:

Here are some felt lovelies that i have made:



















Here is a piece of pottery i painted...double espresso cup and saucer with birds on a wire :)













Here are just a few of cupcakes....














Here is the wall with shelves - i think the color reminds me of nacho cheese from a ball park but i like it still.














and finally - here is my first purchase from Emily Martin's The Black Apple esty shop...
(please note the "cupcake peddler" print from my previous post - which now belongs to ME and will soon be added to our "gallery wall")

life after we booted the tv...

life without tv.............people ask me all the time how life is different/better/worse/possible without your tv - NOT just cable.........the whole tv unit. it's hard to say a complete answer. life is definitely different - no doubt about that. sometimes it is better and sometimes it is worse (but rarely - all the election stuff and the olympics were kind of sad to miss). but mostly it is more than possible and in our lives it was a necessity!

it used to be cute when eisley would yell "dowa dowa dowa dowa" when dora the explorer came on....but when she started to throw a fit if dora wasn't on any channel or it was time to turn off the tv, it was no longer cute. it was nice to be home a lot and watch all kinds of home shows and i get grand ideas of how to organize and transform my house into a home, but when i forgot to do the dishes and mold grew in tupperware containers in the fridge it was not great. it was nice to sit down with my hubby and veg-out before bed with a dumb mtv show, but when we forgot how to have a normal meaningful conversation about something other than what heidi and LC were fighting about this time, it was not nice.

i hated my life revolving around a tv schedule. "oh sorry we can't do anything on mondays because the new hills is on, and tuesdays are out 'cause this other show we don't really even like but we HAVE to watch comes on and wednesdays between 7-9.30 is out because ANTM is on and then we have to watch the new run's house, no not thursdays either, but maybe there's a 2 hours window on friday because it's the off season for....blah blah blah" rushing home to watch some show is not a good priority and i knew this then, but i wonder i stopped caring. but i care now and that's what matters. we might have a "boring" house now, but i don't care we're better off for it. we don't usually do things half way in the beeson house.....all or nothing...we cheat too much if there are loopholes.

so if you click here you'll see how my life was when i first started thinking about what it would be like without the boob tube. and below is a list of what i've done after kicking the tv to the curb:

in no particular order:

• read about a gazillion books.....ok, not really.....half a gazillion at least though


• gotten back into art and my creativity has spiked for the first time in about 4 years


• made new friends


• gone on loads more walks, hikes, and bike rides


• been still and present and not off in some other world


• caught up on household schtuff


• organized


• painted a wall and installed shelves on it


• enjoyed my sweet neighborhood to it's fullest


• explored new spots in my hometown


• played more outside with my boo boo


• learned to be mindful of the task at hand....still working on that one


• learned toooooo much about this coming election- we didn't get rid of internet for goodness sake - we can't be completely shut off from pop culture


• baked more..........a lot more


• read books together with my husband - we read aloud alllllll the harry potters to eachother :)

i'm sure there's more...but you get the idea...life is much much different without the tv!

the list...

so for a while now i have wanted to write a list of things i want to do/accomplish/achieve in my life. some are epic, some are mundane, some are not even close to being practical

so here goes in no particular order...

• take tennis lessons


• become a master at something/be the best in the world at something


• successfully make sushi


• have my own art show that i am actually proud of


• live in another country for 1-2 years


• look like i did when i got married


• finish the children's book i started a year ago


• start and complete another book i have an idea for


• illustrate said books


• be a better friend, wife, mother, daughter, neighbor...etc


• live in the moment


• come up with an epic life changing original idea


• be proud of who i am


• complete my arm sleeve


• find a job i love that pays me a lot of money


• take more time to volunteer and give back


• get out of debt


• take eisley to disney world/land


• go to hogwarts


• start a project that produces something tangible everyday for a year and record the process - and STICK TO IT and not abandon it after a week or two
• become fluent in german or french

well that's all for now - i'll add more i'm sure - any ideas for me on how to achieve these things - you know where to find me...

fairy cakes...

cupcakes, cuckoo cakes, mini cakes...

perhaps one of the easiest, but most rewarding baking you can do. simple ingredients, simple tools, come together to create an amazing, complex and delicious treat for 12. individual petite cakes - perfect on the go, perfect for portion control - that is if you can only eat one. i'm not talking about the big plastic box you buy at the grocery with day old cake, frosting with a crust and sprinkles still around from your mama's childhood years or boxed mixes complete with premade frosting and years old sprinkles (no offense - i know both are time saving to a certain extent but usually filled with LOADS of perservatives and junk). i'm talking about you and some flour, some sugar, and some milk (soy or cow's) and creating magic in your kitchen in about 25 minutes start to finish. mix it all up, spoon it in the cups and bake them...then, if you can wait till they are completely cool, let free all of your pent up creativity and create a masterpiece that you will be proud to carry around while wandering around your neighborhood looking for a friendly neighbor to share them with.

i made some really good cupcakes last night. i got the book Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World yesterday in the mail and decided that i couldn't wait to make some! i made the tiramisu cupcakes last night (cake was made vegan but i didn't have "vegan cream cheese" nor have i ever been able to find it- so i made normal icing) - let's just say this- to DIE FOR! i sent the remaining ones, after all the neighbors got one and me and shane each had one, to work with shane this morning...so we'll see what their verdict is when shane comes home tonight - they were from the night before so they might not be as good - but still - at 8am who can pass up a really pretty looking little fairy cake????

(i used starbucks coffee liqueur and a starbucks mocha dark chocolate bar for the chocolate curls, and hershey's special extra dark cocoa powder for finishing)

i feel good...

i feel really good today. almost euphoric. weird.

it's raining outside - that might have something to do with - barometric pressure changes or something weird like that - like when women go into labor early because of a full moon or a freak snow storm in late may... maybe it can affect your mind too?

i did make fresh grapefruit, berry, and banana juice for breakfast this morning - fresh fruit gives you energy right?

i did some calesthenics too this morning - worked up a good sweat...perhaps i released an abundance of endorohins?

i haven't eaten dairy in a week....???

i left the house in a "clean" state...laundry done, dishes cleaned...what do they say? a clean home reflects a clean life...or something like that?

thanks god for whatever the reason behind my happiness and good feelings - ultimately it's you anyway!

skinny b*$@h

so... i just read (literally i read it in like 3 hours) the book Skinny Bitch by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin. it was recommended to me as a supplement to my reading of YOU: on a diet and The Healthiest Kid in the Neighborhood which i have mentioned before. it starts off telling you exactly the same stuff in the other two books - don't eat high fructose corn syrup, don't eat anything with dyes, eat whole grains, don't eat hydrogentated oils....blah blah blah boring i already KNOW this. but then.......the books hits you up side the head with the facts on meat and dairy in our society. wow. shane actually asked me what was wrong cause i was so shocked i couldn't speak. the book brought tears to my eyes, not only from the horrific stories (there aren't many - it's not a PETA pamphlet) of animal abuse and slaughter practices, but also from the policies or lack there of on the safety of the food that actually reaches our mouths via grocery stores and restaurants. i was pretty disheartened about my supposed "healthy" eating plan that i had in place for not only me but my husband and child. so that being said, we as a family are going to try and cut out most (if not all, in time) of our dairy and meat consumption. i want this to be clear too - that i don't in fact think it unethical to kill for food. i am concerned about how the food that i buy is killed and the seriously gross practices of the meat industry that compromise my family's health. i have ordered a few books from amazon to help us start slowly cutting out certain things... i'll post reviews as i read them...

for now, i leave you with an exerpt from the book. this is what put me over the edge.

"A worker at another poultry plant said, 'Every day, I saw black chicken, green chicken, chicken that stank, chicken with feces on it. Chicken like this is supposed to be thrown away, but instead it would be sent down the line to be processed.' Another worker at another plant said, 'I personally have seen rotten meat - you can tell by the odor. This rotten meat is mixed with the fresh food and is sold for baby food. We are asked to mix it with the fresh food and this is the way it is sold. You can see the worms inside the meat. " Skinny Bitch pg74.

take your health seriously - you only live once - now there's a different way to look at that saying!

p.s. the book does contain A LOT of profanity - i mean look at the title :) But, if you can get past it - it's brutally honest and a good quick, enlightening read.

the smell of summer...

the wind runs its fingers through my hair
the sun delicately kisses my face
the smell of summer tempts my nose
the trees whisper sweet nothings to me as i pass
the sky bright blue like silk
the clouds soft white like cotton
ducks drift lazily downstream
a butterfly challenges me to a race around the pond


i have just had what can only be described as an "amelie" moment. all was right in the world. i wish i could have filmed my bike ride this afternoon - it was poetic, inspiring, calming, perfect.

lately i've noticed that i am much happeir than i was about a year ago. maybe it's exercising more - that high that people say they get when they exercise - maybe it's finally kicked in for me. what ever the reason, i'm not as depressed or as down as i was before and i am glad! i feel like i am reclaiming my life once more and i like where it is heading.

one more thing - i don't know what smelled sooooo good outside today - but i wish i could bottle and sell it as the essence of summer - i could live in the smell today.

a squashed bug...

dear silver beetle,

you will not be missed. i'm sorry to say it because at one time i had high hopes for you. you were never that shiny, that cute, that good in the snow, that peppy, or that great overall...like we so hoped you would have been. i will not miss your weird sound you made when first turning the engine over in the morning. i will not miss your dents and sad scratches. i will not miss your dodgy tape deck that sometime worked and sometimes didn't. i will not miss having to stamp on the brakes to make you stop or because your clutch caught so high, the many times i pealed out, turning heads and embarrassing me. i will miss, however, your seat warmers. they were one of your few redeeming qualities. i will also miss your sunroof - though i never did figure out how to open it all the way. i never sat in your back seat - i don't think i missed much there though. i'm not sad to see you go. though i must say that it was strange this morning to not see your very uniquely shaped body outside the house.

please be kinder to your knew drivers than you were to us. i don't want to give you a complex - you weren't awful...just not great...and we want great. i'm sorry we took so long to let you know how we really felt about you. we should have dealt with this failed relationship long ago and i apologize for that. we've moved on and i hope you will too.

yours no more,

the beesons.

the boob tube

that's it!

i've had it!







i'm swearing off tv for a while...well, after LOST is finished, that is...i mean really, i can't miss those precious few episodes left!


Lately, i've realized just how much mind-numbing worthless tv i watch in a day. let's count shall we...

a. me and the boo boo watch either Lazytown ( crazy icelandic puppet and humans in weird costumes show ) or Go, Diego, Go every morning while we eat breakfast.

30 min.

b. if i am working, then no more tv that morning for me - just lots of internet surfing at work. but if i am at home with the boo boo, then we'll continue watching noggin or nick jr or playhouse disney with bunnytown, wonderpets ( again strange strange super hero pets who only save "baby" animals...weird), or even weirder Yo Gabba Gabba! ( which i secretly LOVE - even though dj lance has to be gay - i mean wow! ), and lastly the most normal of them all my friends tigger and pooh ( where did christopher robbin go and who is darby? )

1-1.5 hrs

c. baby goes down for morning nap, i turn the channel immediately to the either FLN, HGTV, or the food network and allow myself 1 show of home decorating or culinary know how. then i promptly get in the shower.

30 min.

d. baby wakes up, shane is home for lunch and we watch some mind numbing child show again - sometimes dora the explorer is on and it's too cute to pass up when eisley yells at the tv "dowa dowa dowa dowa dowa!!!!!!"

30 min.

e. bye bye hunny! me and the boo boo run and errand or two, go for a long bike ride and then she is down for yet another nap! i empty the dishwasher and then sit down for some "good " tv watching...i'm talking the real world, or america's next top model reruns, more cooking shows...whatever, as long as it is mindlessly entertaining

1-1.5 hrs

f. baby wakes up, shane is home from work. more bike riding or walking. cooking dinner. baby goes to bed we eat and watch MORE tv....we have dedicated tv watching to do: mondays: the hills, tuesdays: tila tequila 2 - i know it horrible, but it's like watching a car crash, you can't look away, wednesdays: america's next top model and the ultimate fighter, thursdays: the office, and lost, fridays: well there's nothing on on fridays but we still watch tv.

2-3hrs

let's add

on the high end ( when i am home all day) : 7.5 hrs!
on the low end ( when i am home all day): 5.5
on the low end ( when i am working): 3.5
on the high end ( when i am working): 5

OH MY GOD! that is disgusting - i am so grossed out! i will say this - i do house hold stuff while watching this, but not enough to justify any of it! ew ew ew ew ew...

we need to get a treadmill badly so i can at least run or do something fitness related while the baby naps!

anyone want to lay off the boob tube with me - after lost finishes in month or so?

why gnomes...

i seem to have left out from the beginning why i named my blog "helping garden gnomes." sadly i see that this makes me seem like a slight weirdo who actually believes that gnomes are real living things that need saving apparently. this is not the case i assure you! although i might change my mind if any more news reports surface about that gnome in argentina - just kidding!

the phrase "it's better to help people than garden gnomes" comes from the movie amelie (notice the gnome in the trailer). if you haven't seen this movie - do. i will warn you that there is some objectionable content (a sex scene near the beginning, one in the middle, and one of the characters works at a sex shop) but please don't let that deter you too much! this is a tale of a terribly shy secret-do-gooder who decides to help change the lives of those around her, while struggling with her own isolation. at a point in the film she removes a gnome statue from her father's garden and sends him on a trip around the world - this in turn makes her father realize that he too could get out and see the world. she finds that is better to help people than just garden gnomes. here is maybe my favorite scene from the movie. amelie has just accomplished successfully her first act of kindness and is ready for more. she knows of a blind man that sits in the subway playing music from a record player for money. she sees him on the street and becomes his eyes for a brief moment.



this is what i would like my life to be like, but unfortunately, i tend to help the gnomes more than the people around me. that's why i titled my blog helping garden gnomes. kind of sad really. i'm working on it though :)

you know you have a problem when...

....your knitting addiction has taken over your house even more so than your 10 month old's toys and various neccessities! here's the corner behind where our two (beautiful green) couches meet and the main dumping location for all things yarn related.

but...from this chaos, has come three very beautiful little things :) first a purse for tess, second a cute little green felted box - completely un-useful, and third a beautiful little purse for emily.

also, i will be attending my first meeting of the Knitters Guild of Northern Colorado tonight. i will be the youngest one there by at least 10-15 years. but, i feel that like in most areas of your life it is wise to have older more experienced mentors around for guidance - even if it is about "just how do i exaclty make a bobble?" wish me luck :)

regrets

what do i regret? well, let me set aside a whole day's worth of hours to start recording them all. i regret loads! loads and loads of stupid things, loads and loads of rather important things, loads and loads of unfortunately life changing things. right now though, i am regretting not praying for some of my friends more. now i know prayer changes things and god really truly does listen to our requests, but we also have a a free will and prayer alone will not change someone from a selfish liar into a loving devoted friend again...but maybe if i had been praying earlier or kept my eyes open to some of the signs better, there would have been a better chance for change.

i am excellent at cutting you out of my life if you hurt me too much. if you cross the line that i draw in the circumstance, i won't let you back over. i reget that i did that to my friend...my best friend at the time. i knew her faults. i enabled most of them because i'm in general non-confrontational. i saw them get more and more out of control, but never said anything to voice my concerns. as a friend, that was not how i would want to be treated. i want my faults voiced and brought out so that i can work on them, accept them as faults and move forward. now, she too knew some of her faults, but never wanted to work on them. she expected us to live with them because "that's just how she is". i deeply regret i didn't stand up for what's right and say that NO, just because you know you have a problem doesn't make it ok to keep living like that and treating people like you do. a friend should sharpen you, make you want to be a better person every time you're around them - not just spiritually or morally, but physically, mentally, athletically, scholarly and the list goes on - in every way, you as a friend should sharpen those around you. i chose to let her get dull in some ways because it was too hard or uncomfortable to try and sharpen everything. what a shame - what a regret.

i saw the signs of lost interest, of flippancy, of annoyance. why didn't i ask her about them? why did i listen to her speech of love of a lifetime, perfect match, and marital bliss? why didn't i say anything about the slow but steady change i was seeing? why didn't i question her actions? regret, regret, regret...

she stood by my side on june 11, 2005 and told me that marriage was the best thing that ever happened to her, that she knew that i had found my one true love just as she had 10 years before - but she was already planning the break, the deception, the cowardly and manipulative betrayal - she had already begaun the unimaginable process in her heart.

she betrayed a lot of people - i am not even high on the list of those who were most hurt i'm sure. but this hurt has affected so may layers of my life and i regret that i let it. for a while i was terrified that i would do the same thing - let myself change so subtly that after ten years, i was such a different person that i didn't care about what was right anymore. but then i realized, i have a choice. AND I CHOOSE TO STAND FOR WHAT IS RIGHT. i choose to keep myself around people who will sharpen me, who will tell me when i am screwing and when i need to make a change for the good.

I CHOOSE TO NOT REGRET MY LIFE AND THE DECISIONS I MAKE.

the healthiest me i can be

so i've been reading several books lately that ... gasp ... aren't fiction! i know, so shocking! i never ONCE read a text book in college (except for my literature classes, but those were fiction or poetry so that doesn't count - i wanted to read those) and in high school i literally just skimmed. so for me to pick up 4 non fiction/text book type books in the past month and devour them is practically unheard of!

the first book i went through was YOU on a diet: waist management. this is a hilarious book that really teaches you how your body works - why eating one thing could cause another part of body to not work/function at it's full potential. it's not really a diet like the title suggests, more of a guide on how to optimize your body's performance. this is an amazing revelation if you are interested in better nutrition whether you're "big" or "little" already.

then i received a book from my mother-in-law called The Healthiest Kid in the Neighborhood by Dr. William Spears and his wife and two sons who are also doctors (pediatricians). if you have or are ever planning on having children - PLEASE READ THIS BOOK! i cried several times because i want to give eisley a better chance at being healthy and having a better body image than i received from my parents and i want to be a role model for her. Now, i'm not saying my parents did a bad job AT ALL! i can't remember a time when i was in school that we kept chips or cookies or soda - or anything like that at all in the house. in fact, i distinctly remembering training myself to like soda - it hurt sooooo bad at first to drink it - then of course it became easy :) so actually my parents gave me an incredible advantage starting out in that respect, but we also ate lots of mac-n-cheese and loads of other processed things with more salt or sugar per serving than one needs all day! i am an admitted salt junkie - if it's salty and has partially hydrogenated soybean oil in it, i probably like it! i can give or take sweets, but salty is where it's at. this book really has given me a new outlook on my role as a parent. the book mentions that we as parents naturally want the best for our children and also ourselves. we give them the best toys, the nicest clothes, want them to attend the best schools and get the best education, so why would we feed them sugar loaded breakfasts right before school that inevitably cause them to act out, fall asleep, zone out and not get the full experience at school and why would we feed them foods that break down their immune systems instead of fueling them so that they don't get sick as often? Since we as a family, my parents and shane's too, have been eating healthier, i can't tell you how much better i feel - more alert, happier, more energetic, i really like life again! If you never read this book, but i wish you would - remember these three things:

Never eat anything with these ingredients in them and you will be 90% of the way to eating very heathfully:

1. partially hydrogenated soybean oil


2. high fructose corn syrup


3. any dye/color followed by a number; red 40, yellow 5 etc...

then the next book i picked up was No Need for Speed: A Beginner's Guide to the Joy of Running by John Bingham. lauren, me, my mom and shane are going to run the bolder boulder in may (national pickle month by the way) and we are starting our training now. my mom and dad were runners before i was born and up until i was about 3 - they even wrote a running book - i can't find it anywhere online, but we have a copy somewhere in the basement. my dad has for probably the last 7 years been running again - on a treadmill because his knees can't handle concrete. my mom however, has not run since i was three - she actually ran the bolder boulder while she was pregnant with me! this is a great book too if you want to get into running - it lets you know it's ok that you're not going to be a marathoner overnight or even after a week's training for that matter. it's very inspirational and has lessons from everyday people like us that haven't been running that long and the changes it has made in them. The book has a quote in it that goes something like this, i don't have it in front of me so this paraphrased: when you untie the "nots" (reasons you are NOT capable, good enough, etc) you learn that you can change and you can change into the best you you can be. you may not be the best runner ever, but you can become the best runner you can ever be. as your outside changes you start to notice your soul change as well.

the fourth book, i'm still reading, is another running book called The Complete Book Of Running For Women by Claire Kowalchik. i just started it, but it's just geared, obviously, towards issues women face while running.

i'm excited to start my life, with the support of my family and friends - to become the healthiest me i can be!!!

the grieving process

it's funny...no, not funny at all, it's scary actually how random moments in life spark back into life emotions from long ago. i've been wanting to write about this for a while but at the same time haven't because i know it will be a tear filled experience, and as i am at work when i write these, i don't really want to be caught bawling in my office.

friday, june 16th, 2006. shane and i had just celebrated our first wedding anniversary on the 11th and were planning on taking the week after off from work due to some scheduling problem with his work. so on friday after work we went to the olive garden and enjoyed a nice meal together and talked of what we would do during our week off. we were poor back then, still are for that matter, and we couldn't afford to do anything too "fun" so we were just gonna hang around the house and maybe go to the zoo or something. on our way home, i specifically asked shane to go a certain way home. we couldn't though because of a police barricade obviously blocking us from an accident up ahead that was just out of sight. i immediately said a prayer for the people involved like i always do -it's something my mom always did in the car when i was a kid so i guess i picked that up. so we went the long way round instead. then we came across another police barricade blocking off a large section of highway. down the other side of the road we saw an ambulance coming - not racing - with its lights off. shane said "bummer, it's never a good sign when you see an ambulance with its lights off going to a car crash." i had no idea what he meant. so i asked "why?" "because someone died" he said. wow, if i had only known then.

we continued home and spent an hour or so goofing off and just laying upstairs talking. then shane's phone kept ringing, but we were on "vacation" so we weren't gonna answer phones. i purposely left mine downstairs so as to not be bothered at all. shane got a voicemail. his mom wanted him to call her and for me to call my dad. i knew then and my heart dropped that something bad had happened. i called my dad back after missing 4-5 calls from him. he didn't say hello, he didn't say anything reassuring like i wanted him to. he said "sit down. betsy died." i dropped the phone and screamed - one of those screams from a movie when a parent loses a child - one that you think they are making up, because no one really makes that noise. but they do, and so did i. shane called my dad back a few minutes later and put him on speaker and he told us what happened. betsy - my beautiful little betsy boo, her brother and her mom had been hit by truck while turning left across highway 287. betsy died instantly - thank god. joan was in the hospital barely alive. and marky was going to another hospital with some bad cuts and such. so i called everyone i knew, once i had it together a bit more, and asked them to all pray for them. i called lauren, it was her first day back to colorado - in fact she was still in the car. i called jenna and kathryn to see how they were. they didn't know yet. i couldn't be the one to tell them. i couldn't. they called me back frantic because no one would tell them anything - they knew someone died but they didn't know which someone. i couldn't tell them. i couldn't. shane and i held each other crying till we fell asleep. i woke up in the middle of the night screaming again.

we picked them up the next morning at the airport and now my vision of airports being happy places has changed. not everyone flying in is greeting friends and family and is excited about their stay - we ran to each other and cried for a long time holding each other. people stared, people shook their heads like we were ruining their happy time in the airport...whatever. that week of "vacation" was the most exhausting and emotional week of my life. i can't even imagine how much more exponentially hard it was for betsy's immediate family. they are the strongest family i have ever met and i greatly admire them all.

i went through a grieving process - i cried everyday for weeks about it. about all of our happy times, about regrets, about her lost future. i thought i was mostly over it. i started to only occasionally cry. jenna had moved back and i saw her a lot and that made it easier. then i hadn't cried in months. until we tried to watch the movie disturbia. if you've seen it then you know there is an horrific accident at the beginning and the boy's dad dies - i couldn't watch the rest - i again started to scream. it was too realistic - it was too much like what i thought she might have seen just before she died. it all came back too fast. i again cried for days - not as long as when it first happened, but a long time.

our good friends' puppy died this week. another little life taken too soon. so much potential so much promise. life is too short already and sometimes even shorter still. i've again cried for days and maybe that's ok.

may is national pickle month

lately, i have been drawing pickles. silly i know. pickles playing the piccolo. pickles on parade. pickles can do it all apparently :) i really like my little pickle family that i am creating - it's not by any means world shaking or moving - it's purely fun and mildly entertaining...at least shane and my mom tend to laugh at them. it's interesting to see how creativity flows out of you at different times. right now - everything is pretty light-hearted and playful. in college, most everything in my portfolio held some ideas/aspirations for my life but with sadly depressing undertones.

creativity. creating. out of nothing something comes to life. it's a pretty powerful concept. little old me can pause, think of something elaborate or mundanely simple, use my hands and in some medium bring that small glint of an idea into being. sometimes it's all you held in your head and more and sometimes it doesn't come close to the perfect image you were desiring. sometimes when your hands start to move, the idea morphs into something completely different. sometimes the image you create tells you a hard truth about yourself. sometimes you don't want to know these things. sometimes you're pleasantly surprised and sometimes deeply disappointed in your lack of ability. sometimes you touch people with your art. sometimes you hurt them. sometimes your social commentary isn't appropriate. sometimes it's the only way people will listen. sometimes it's the most important thing you will ever say. sometimes you just do it to be silly.